Snowjob, Shoefucker, and I (Dick With A Bitch With A Dick – DWABWAD) laid the best ever trail for the Fort Collins Hash, which was described as “..flat as Lay Me Over’s chest, short as Felipenis, and as beautiful as Tick Dick’s.....whatever”. Trust the hares, as they never lie. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Turned out the weather was ideal for such a great hash.
LAND OF THE LOST HASHER
(this is LMO's version of the story and this is exactly what happened)
Nine hashers gathered at Crozier trailhead in Glen Haven for Dick With a B*tch With a Dick's, Snow Job's, and Shoe F*cker's Ft. Collins hash that was not in Ft. Collins. Those who had trouble finding the start needed only to listen for Shoe F*cker's laugh to steer them in the right direction. It was a small and humble group that day but it was the cream of the crop (with the exception of four or five of them). Even two 'Too Longs' showed up; Sp*rmes and Rin Tin T*ts.
As the hashers began to look for the first mark, a concerned Just Forrest questioned DWAB at length.
"About how long will this trail be?" he asked.
"Hell if I know but I can tell you how flat it will be," said DWAB.
Shoe F*cker laughed uproariously.
"Do you think I will need sunscreen?" asked Just Forrest. "How about a cap?"
"I don't know but I can tell you how flat it will be," said DWAB.
Shoe F*cker laughed again uproariously.
Just Forrest scratched his chin. "I better go get my cap. Oh, and my lip balm!"
Shortly after the hashers ascended the winding flower - laden trail up Crozier Mountain which so far did not seem all that flat, PileOn spotted a horse pasture then suddenly cried, "I am going to live my fantasy!" With that he ripped off his clothes, jumped over the fence, climbed onto a horse and rode it across the pasture screaming, "My name is Nuwanda!" Then both horse and n*ked rider collided into the fence on the other side and wood went flying in all directions as the other hashers watched dumbfounded.
"But I thought I did that at last month's hash," PileOn later said to Lay Me Over.
"I don't think so," she responded. "Nothing was ever mentioned about it last month which must mean that you did it today."
The owner of the horse came running out of his house with raised middle finger and shouted, "Hey!! What the %#$@! is wrong with you?! Who do you %#$@! think you are? You %#$@! %#$@!"
But PileOn has a different version of the story. According to him, the man was actually cheering him on while he rode, shouting, "God speed! Hey look out for the fence!! Oh that's ok. Don't worry about it. I'll fix it. Are you it? Nobody else wants a try? Come on, I love n*ked trespassers! Bring 'em on!"
The actual truth is somewhere in between the two versions (but before PileOn's version).
The hashers continued on but they kept hearing a strange noise; 'Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing!" It was coming from Rin Tin T*ts' dangling Achilles heel.
"Can you shut it the hell up?" yelled Raggedy An*s.
"I can't help it," whined Rin Tin.
Then they heard a whistle far behind them and an "On! On!"
Low and behold it was Tick Dick and Little Head making their way up the trail, fashionably late as always. The hashers soon lost true trail when Sp*rmes turned around and hollered to the bunch that there was a false up ahead. So they searched the other directions but found nothing. Finally Tick Dick decided to reinvestigate Sp*rmes' findings and discovered that several yards before the false was a gigantic check with Sp*rmes footprints all over it. At last, true trail was found again and Sp*rmes continued on now ostracized from the group.
Soon after this, Raggedy An*s spotted a chewed deer leg at the side of the trail and picked it up to give to Krabs R' Us for her eccentric wardrobe of dead animal parts. The thirsty, weary, and gasping hashers had not seen a beer check for quite some time and many couldn't even talk anymore because their dried and shriveled tongues were stuck to the roofs of their mouths. Just Forrest tried to help by offering them his lip balm.
"You think you're hurting now?" Raggedy coached the group, "Just remember that somewhere out there is a poor three - legged deer hobbling around wondering where its leg is!"
Finally after they painstakingly climbed up a dangerous rock embankment they found a beer check that featured warm Genuine Miller Light. Nothing could have been more splendid to drink at that precise moment and they pounced upon the cans so eagerly that one would have thought they had just discovered Pabst Blue Ribbon.
As the hashers replenished their thirst, Just Marie complained, "I thought the hares said this trail was going to be very flat and very short."
"Lip balm?" Just Forrest offered.
Little Head never showed up for the beer check.
"Has anyone seen him?" inquired Tick Dick.
"The last time I saw him was in that meadow down below," said Krabs.
"That's where you last saw him?! You mean where those vultures are circling right now?"
"Oh God," said P*ssy Dominatrix. "Vultures?! This doesn't look good. We can't let them attack Little Head! His skin would be like poison to those poor defenseless birds."
Despite her concerns, the hashers continued on but just in case Little Head showed, they left a half a can of beer behind along with a quarter of a can of beer depending on how thirsty he would be. Both had part of PileOn's sneeze mixed in with it for an added pick-me-up. Once the group made it back down the mountain for the on-after they waited for Little Head but he never appeared.
"Oh no," whimpered LMO. "Guys this is serious. I think that he might be dead."
"Relax LMO," said Sp*rmes. "I know how to do Circle. Ok everyone Circle up!"
After the hares were called up to drink because they were the hares, they were called up again because they kept grabbing the good beer for their down-downs. Tick Dick and Rin Tin T*ts had to drink for wearing ugly frayed baseball caps. Raggedy An*s had to drink because he remained seated during the entire Circle. Then he handed Krabs the chewed deer leg and said, "Now Krabs has a boner." After several songs were sung, Little Head still had not arrived.
"Should we start to worry about him?" asked Just Marie.
"Everything will work out ok," said Krabs as she waved around her chewed deer leg like it was a wand. "We'll set up a little memorial service for him after Circle."
More songs were sung and Snow Job even mimicked a trombone for the finale of several of them and threw in a few 'Boom Chugga Lugga Luggas' for good measure.
Then it was time for Just Forrest to be named. Due to his chronic bicycle racing, the hashers focused on the bike theme to come up with their ideas. Somebody said, "Hey how about 'Huffy Goes Down?'" The hashers nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, oh yeah that's a good one."
"Cliterium," someone else suggested. The hashers nodded their heads again saying, "Oh yeah that's a good one... yeah that might work."
"Crit B*tch!" The hashers nodded, "Yeah that would work, yeah , yeah."
"Clit B*tch!" More approval. "Yeah, yeah!"
Then Raggedy An*s while still sitting cross-legged on the ground said, "Hey how about 'Scratch n' Sniff?"
There was dead silence as the hares stared at him blankly. Crickets sounded in the distance.
Thankfully DWAB broke the awkward lull and hollered, "Hey why don't we just give him Little Head's name and be done with it?" The hashers looked at each other, pondered that awhile then nodded in approval. "Yeah that works. Ok, sure!"
"How about 'Dick Derailleur'," someone else suggested. The hashers cheered and high-fived each other. "Yaaaa! That's it! Whooeee!" "Good one!"
And so it was that Just Forrest's name became Dick Derailleur.
Just then Krabs cried out, "Look everyone! It's Little Head!" And out of the bushes stepped Little Head with a feasting vulture still clinging to his hair and barbed wire sticking out of his cheek. Everyone hugged and kissed him and told him how worried they were. Then he whipped out a cigarette, took a couple puffs and began to sing, "I used to work in Chicago.......!" And everyone danced around and rejoiced.
At hearing the lyrics to the 'Jesus Saves' song, P*ssy Dominatrix and Just Marie clutched their stomachs and doubled over in fits of laughter with tears streaming down their faces. The longer the song continued the harder they laughed until they passed out. Later, after Just Marie came to, she took out her camera and began showing everyone her photos of warthog testicles. Then Snow Job said, "I don't know if I can make it to my mom's birthday because it's the Red Dress Run next week and I already made reservations for the bus from Boulder!"
Then Tick Dick picked up Krabs' chewed deer leg, studied it for awhile and said, "Hey! This deer leg has DWAB's teeth marks all over it!"
Shoe F*cker laughed uproariously.
A good time was had by all.
Lay Me Over
1 comment:
No wonder so many people are afraid to go out in the woods....it's full of crazed drunken hashers!
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