Well, if at first you don't succeed.........have a beer!

After last year's 50% completion of my Fall Mini-Slam (DNF'd Lean Horse and Javelina), I decided that I would like to give it another whirl, but with a change. Since Motherroad is not offered this year, I would have to substitute another for a retry at a back-to-back 100 mile attempt. So like last year, I'm going to start it all off with Lean Horse in August, then Heartland 100 in early October, Javelina in late October and a new 100 miler in Missouri called The Ozark 100 the following weekend.



I have been intrigued by Lean Horse since it started a few years ago, but it conflicted with the Leadville 100. This year, it is on the same weekend, and since I was unable to get the second half done last year, it's time to "Get my mind right" and get it done this year. Since I now know what happened to me last year, I have since (hopefully) corrected the stomach issue and should be able to get this one done. The course is mostly on the Mickelson Trail in SD, a “trails-to-rails” project that is a gradual up to the 50 mile turnaround and back to the start in Hot Springs, SD. The first and last 13 miles are on a rolling, meandering dirt road. Hopefully this year, I'll have my head out of my ass and not overdo it with the calories, which was the reason for my stomach issues last year. It seems my training of late has had no complications, so time to "Git 'er Dun!". Unfortunately, I will be missing Leadville this year. The first time in 13 years I haven't been up there in a running or crew/pacer capacity. My good friend Bob Rayburn will be there running it this year, so I'm bummed I can't help him there.



Heartland, Oct 10-11, is an old favorite. This will be my fourth time there, and I always love the support and venue. Having grown up in the area as a lad also brings to me a special appeal. I ran it last year and ended up listing to the starboard side towards the end. Only after consuming some of Bad Ben's Homebrew (TM) did it fix that up somewhat. Though it wasn't my fastest time (slowest in fact) it was still a good time. I got to see some of the hilly parts of the course on the way back during the early sunrise bits, which normally were shrouded in darkness. Gawd, those hills are long! And who sez Kansas is flat?



Javelina Jundred, Oct 31 and Nov 1 (Halloween). Last year this was the last race in my series, and ended up going out there with a cold from Motherroad II the previous weekend (thank you Oklahoma!) and having to bail out after 70 miles. Congestion and breathing don't get along too well. My first DNF there. This year will be my 7th visit, and hopefully my 6th finish there. My race plan for this is simple: run easy, run slow, and have fun. So, no PR’s or visions of great times are in my strategy here. Like last year, I will try to save myself for two weekends, since the next race is.....



.....Ozark 100, Nov 7-8. This is a totally new 100 put on by my favorite group of runners, the SLUGs (St Louis Ultrarunning Group). The cutoff time is 32 hours, so a bit more time than conventional 100 time limits of 30 hours. I've run in Missouri before, but not in the Ozarks. They are hilly, but nothing like Leadville, Wasatch, or Hardrock. I'm looking forward to something new. Like Javelina the week before, I plan on going slow and easy and just finish. I don't want a repeat of last year. I'm counting on not getting a cold at Javelina (it'll be hot and dry there) so all I have to do is hang in there. Javelina would have been number 6 if not for the breathing issues. My legs were fine and able to continue. I'm hoping that will be the case here as well.

Not Quite Gray's and Torrey's Summits, June 28, 2009

Bob Rayburn and I arranged to climb up to Gray's Peak (14,240') and the adjacent Torrey's Peak (14,267') the last weekend in June, where the chance of snow on the trail is likely to be minimal. Well, we were wrong. The late snows this season didn't melt away quite yet and provided us with some challenges we were unaware of when we started our journey.





Drove up to Bakersville off of I-70 to access Steven's Gulch Road with Bob, myself, and Bob's wife Jana. The plan was for Jana to drop off Bob and I at the bottom of the road, which is a 3 mile hike up to the trailhead leading to Gray's Peak, and Jana would drive up the road to the trailhead and hopefully we would catch up with her somewhere along the trail. Bob and I were initially running up the road, then it turned into a walk. Not long after, Jana came by. But just a few feet ahead, she stopped in the road due to a large washout. Unfortunately, Jana's SUV is not a 4WD, and there were cars parked just to the right of the washout, thereby blocking the only way around the huge washout. Bob offered to try to drive it through the rut, but the tires were slipping. So he had to back it up a bit and park it along the side of the road. Jana was going to have to walk the road with us.





After about an hour's worth of hiking on the road we finally get up to the trailhead. After dealing with a few last minute issues, we all headed up the trail and Gray's Peak 3.5 miles distant. Jana, being a recent resident of Colorado from Arkansas, wasn't used to the altitude. Bob and I tried to cheer her up and joke around and such to take her mind off the slog up the trail. I scared her a few times yelling "What an AWESOME view!".





After about a mile hike up the trail, we got up to a fairly large stream crossing around 12,000', and Jana decided she had had enough and decided to turn around, and wait for us back at the trailhead. Bob and I continued on. A bit up the trail, we ran into Marshall Ulrich and Theresa Daus-Weber making their way down from the summit. We talked a bit and continued on our separate ways. We came to a fairly large and deep snow crossing, with lots of foot holes from previous hikers postholing through the deep, crusty snow. Bob got across with no issues, but I was a bit concerned of falling through, being 200+ lbs of weight on the snow. Amazingly, I didn't post hole through it.





Intermittent patches of snow now dotted the trail along the way up. At around 12,700', we came to a fairly long and narrow snow patch. I looked at the snow and determined that it was fairly hard, crusty, and slick. Going up wasn't an issue, but I was very concerned about the way down. I decided, since I didn't bring any trax with me that I would go no further. I offered to wait there for Bob if he wanted to go on and summit. The thought of beer consumption was stronger than the desire to summit, so we both decided to turn around and head back down. Bummer.

This time upon reaching the snow field, I did manage to post hole on the far side up to my knees. As the trail got smoother, we were able to run more. Bob, being Bob, took off down the trail in his usual fast manner. I tried to keep up, and ended up turning my ankles a bit and decided to just go easy and not screw them up big time.



I got back to the trailhead and saw Bob and Jana waiting there. After a bit of taking care of some personal issues, we headed on down the road back towards the car. We all started jogging a bit, and feeling like I didn't get to accomplish what I wanted today, started running down the road at a fairly decent pace (at least for me). Not long afterward, I caught up with Marshall and Theresa and decided to walk the road down with them (and Toasty the dog). When we got to the car we bid each other well, and soon after Bob and Jana came in.

This was to Bob and I's last chance of some decent altitude training before our pacing duties at Hardrock in a few weeks. Bob and I are doing different legs there for Scott Olmer, who will be running his fifth Hardrock. We did get some altitude training in, it just wasn't what we really wanted. It'll have to do.

Fort Collins Hash - Crosier Mountain Trail - June 27, 2009

Your hares Snowjob & Shoefucker

Snowjob, Shoefucker, and I (Dick With A Bitch With A Dick – DWABWAD) laid the best ever trail for the Fort Collins Hash, which was described as “..flat as Lay Me Over’s chest, short as Felipenis, and as beautiful as Tick Dick’s.....whatever”. Trust the hares, as they never lie. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Turned out the weather was ideal for such a great hash.

Your other hare Dick With A Bitch (DWABWAD)

Snowjob shows the hares how to throw flour

The Trail and Some Shiggy

Full Moons Over Crosier Mountain

The trail leading up and the view looking down

The hares waiting for FRBs, and the ending of trail

Rin Tin Tits, Dick Deraileur, Pussy Dominatrix, Pileon, LMO, Snowjob, and Tick Dick

Is that a piece of driftwood LMO or are you just happy to see us?

Just Marie, Shoeboy, Littlehead and Spermes, Pussy Dominatrix, Snowjob and Just Marie

Raggedy Anus & Rin Tin Tits, Shoeboy & Tick Dick

Krabs 'R Us and Jesus, Tick Dick in love with Snowjob

LAND OF THE LOST HASHER
(this is LMO's version of the story and this is exactly what happened)

Nine hashers gathered at Crozier trailhead in Glen Haven for Dick With a B*tch With a Dick's, Snow Job's, and Shoe F*cker's Ft. Collins hash that was not in Ft. Collins. Those who had trouble finding the start needed only to listen for Shoe F*cker's laugh to steer them in the right direction. It was a small and humble group that day but it was the cream of the crop (with the exception of four or five of them). Even two 'Too Longs' showed up; Sp*rmes and Rin Tin T*ts.

As the hashers began to look for the first mark, a concerned Just Forrest questioned DWAB at length.
"About how long will this trail be?" he asked.
"Hell if I know but I can tell you how flat it will be," said DWAB.
Shoe F*cker laughed uproariously.
"Do you think I will need sunscreen?" asked Just Forrest. "How about a cap?"
"I don't know but I can tell you how flat it will be," said DWAB.
Shoe F*cker laughed again uproariously.
Just Forrest scratched his chin. "I better go get my cap. Oh, and my lip balm!"

Shortly after the hashers ascended the winding flower - laden trail up Crozier Mountain which so far did not seem all that flat, PileOn spotted a horse pasture then suddenly cried, "I am going to live my fantasy!" With that he ripped off his clothes, jumped over the fence, climbed onto a horse and rode it across the pasture screaming, "My name is Nuwanda!" Then both horse and n*ked rider collided into the fence on the other side and wood went flying in all directions as the other hashers watched dumbfounded.

"But I thought I did that at last month's hash," PileOn later said to Lay Me Over.
"I don't think so," she responded. "Nothing was ever mentioned about it last month which must mean that you did it today."

The owner of the horse came running out of his house with raised middle finger and shouted, "Hey!! What the %#$@! is wrong with you?! Who do you %#$@! think you are? You %#$@! %#$@!"

But PileOn has a different version of the story. According to him, the man was actually cheering him on while he rode, shouting, "God speed! Hey look out for the fence!! Oh that's ok. Don't worry about it. I'll fix it. Are you it? Nobody else wants a try? Come on, I love n*ked trespassers! Bring 'em on!"

The actual truth is somewhere in between the two versions (but before PileOn's version).

The hashers continued on but they kept hearing a strange noise; 'Boing! Boing! Boing! Boing!" It was coming from Rin Tin T*ts' dangling Achilles heel.
"Can you shut it the hell up?" yelled Raggedy An*s.
"I can't help it," whined Rin Tin.

Then they heard a whistle far behind them and an "On! On!"
Low and behold it was Tick Dick and Little Head making their way up the trail, fashionably late as always. The hashers soon lost true trail when Sp*rmes turned around and hollered to the bunch that there was a false up ahead. So they searched the other directions but found nothing. Finally Tick Dick decided to reinvestigate Sp*rmes' findings and discovered that several yards before the false was a gigantic check with Sp*rmes footprints all over it. At last, true trail was found again and Sp*rmes continued on now ostracized from the group.

Soon after this, Raggedy An*s spotted a chewed deer leg at the side of the trail and picked it up to give to Krabs R' Us for her eccentric wardrobe of dead animal parts. The thirsty, weary, and gasping hashers had not seen a beer check for quite some time and many couldn't even talk anymore because their dried and shriveled tongues were stuck to the roofs of their mouths. Just Forrest tried to help by offering them his lip balm.
"You think you're hurting now?" Raggedy coached the group, "Just remember that somewhere out there is a poor three - legged deer hobbling around wondering where its leg is!"

Finally after they painstakingly climbed up a dangerous rock embankment they found a beer check that featured warm Genuine Miller Light. Nothing could have been more splendid to drink at that precise moment and they pounced upon the cans so eagerly that one would have thought they had just discovered Pabst Blue Ribbon.

As the hashers replenished their thirst, Just Marie complained, "I thought the hares said this trail was going to be very flat and very short."
"Lip balm?" Just Forrest offered.
Little Head never showed up for the beer check.
"Has anyone seen him?" inquired Tick Dick.
"The last time I saw him was in that meadow down below," said Krabs.
"That's where you last saw him?! You mean where those vultures are circling right now?"
"Oh God," said P*ssy Dominatrix. "Vultures?! This doesn't look good. We can't let them attack Little Head! His skin would be like poison to those poor defenseless birds."

Despite her concerns, the hashers continued on but just in case Little Head showed, they left a half a can of beer behind along with a quarter of a can of beer depending on how thirsty he would be. Both had part of PileOn's sneeze mixed in with it for an added pick-me-up. Once the group made it back down the mountain for the on-after they waited for Little Head but he never appeared.

"Oh no," whimpered LMO. "Guys this is serious. I think that he might be dead."
"Relax LMO," said Sp*rmes. "I know how to do Circle. Ok everyone Circle up!"

After the hares were called up to drink because they were the hares, they were called up again because they kept grabbing the good beer for their down-downs. Tick Dick and Rin Tin T*ts had to drink for wearing ugly frayed baseball caps. Raggedy An*s had to drink because he remained seated during the entire Circle. Then he handed Krabs the chewed deer leg and said, "Now Krabs has a boner." After several songs were sung, Little Head still had not arrived.

"Should we start to worry about him?" asked Just Marie.
"Everything will work out ok," said Krabs as she waved around her chewed deer leg like it was a wand. "We'll set up a little memorial service for him after Circle."
More songs were sung and Snow Job even mimicked a trombone for the finale of several of them and threw in a few 'Boom Chugga Lugga Luggas' for good measure.

Then it was time for Just Forrest to be named. Due to his chronic bicycle racing, the hashers focused on the bike theme to come up with their ideas. Somebody said, "Hey how about 'Huffy Goes Down?'" The hashers nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, oh yeah that's a good one."
"Cliterium," someone else suggested. The hashers nodded their heads again saying, "Oh yeah that's a good one... yeah that might work."
"Crit B*tch!" The hashers nodded, "Yeah that would work, yeah , yeah."
"Clit B*tch!" More approval. "Yeah, yeah!"

Then Raggedy An*s while still sitting cross-legged on the ground said, "Hey how about 'Scratch n' Sniff?"
There was dead silence as the hares stared at him blankly. Crickets sounded in the distance.
Thankfully DWAB broke the awkward lull and hollered, "Hey why don't we just give him Little Head's name and be done with it?" The hashers looked at each other, pondered that awhile then nodded in approval. "Yeah that works. Ok, sure!"
"How about 'Dick Derailleur'," someone else suggested. The hashers cheered and high-fived each other. "Yaaaa! That's it! Whooeee!" "Good one!"
And so it was that Just Forrest's name became Dick Derailleur.

Just then Krabs cried out, "Look everyone! It's Little Head!" And out of the bushes stepped Little Head with a feasting vulture still clinging to his hair and barbed wire sticking out of his cheek. Everyone hugged and kissed him and told him how worried they were. Then he whipped out a cigarette, took a couple puffs and began to sing, "I used to work in Chicago.......!" And everyone danced around and rejoiced.

At hearing the lyrics to the 'Jesus Saves' song, P*ssy Dominatrix and Just Marie clutched their stomachs and doubled over in fits of laughter with tears streaming down their faces. The longer the song continued the harder they laughed until they passed out. Later, after Just Marie came to, she took out her camera and began showing everyone her photos of warthog testicles. Then Snow Job said, "I don't know if I can make it to my mom's birthday because it's the Red Dress Run next week and I already made reservations for the bus from Boulder!"
Then Tick Dick picked up Krabs' chewed deer leg, studied it for awhile and said, "Hey! This deer leg has DWAB's teeth marks all over it!"
Shoe F*cker laughed uproariously.

A good time was had by all.

Lay Me Over

Twin Sisters Summit, June 13, 2009

What is now becoming an annual tradition, climbing Twin Sisters this year was pure joy. I traditionally climb this during the Estes Park Wool Market (which my wife Lorraine is very active), so this year I did the climb on Saturday, June 13, 2009 with my running buddy Vince “Master Slacker” Gerber. It took some goading to get Vince to want to do it, but I finally was able to overcome his slacker ways and get him to commit, like last year. This year the weather was superb: sunny, cool, and no wind.





Vince and I met at the trailhead (about a mile up the road from the Lily Lake parking area) around 7:30 AM. I figured around 3 to 3.5 hours for the 7.5 mile out and back journey. The trail starts out rather benignly, but then gets steeper as you go up. The trail itself is pretty nice, some rocks. But the uphill forces us to walk.

There was very little snow to contend with, with only one little patch that we had to walk on to continue on trail.





Vince and I stopped a couple of times to eat and take pictures. We stopped around 11,000 feet elevation to overlook the Estes Park valley below. Up ahead, the trail became more rocky and a little more steep, but we could now see the objective ahead, looming at 11,435’ elevation.





Before long we arrived at the radio tower and shed, about 11,300’ and took a brief break to look around. We then had a short 100+’ climb to the top of one of the Twin Sisters. Got to the top and took in the views of Long’s Peak and Mt Meeker to our immediate west, and the valley floor below. We looked east and it looked socked in down below in the St Vrain Valley into Longmont.







This run always amazes me how easy it is to get up here and the views it affords. And today no wind to buffet us around as well, and made for a very enjoyable pause at the top.

After a bit, we decided to head back down, picking our way along the boulders and rocks, until the trail became more runnable. Now we were able to run the trail. Met a lot of people coming up, and passed quite a few going down. I was wanting that beer at the end, so I tried to keep the pace going.
All in all, a nice little climb and run at elevation, the first for this season. I have upcoming Hardrock pacing duties looming on the horizon, so this was a nice entry to some altitude training. And I didn’t get an altitude headache and felt great the whole time.